Attachment theory and secure children

Attachment is survival.

When a baby is born, they can’t survive on their own. That little bundle is fully dependent on an adult who feels concerned for and wants to care for them. For a baby to feel secure, they need closeness, love and someone who makes sure that their basic needs for sleep, food and warmth are met. As soon as the baby is born, they do everything they can to kickstart their parent’s caregiving system; this is simply a survival instinct. If the baby believes they are in danger or if they feel abandoned, they will immediately seek comfort and protection. By crying or screaming, the baby is ensuring that their caregiver understands and reacts to their signals, which fosters an attachment bond between them.

To whom can the baby attach?

Neither gender nor being biologically related play any role in whether a baby can attach to someone. Babies can also attach to multiple people – parents, grandparents, siblings and preschool staff – but not too many people. An attachment bond emerges when a caregiver and the baby spend a lot of time together. This means it will be hard to develop an attachment bond if the people around the baby are constantly changing – it isn’t easy to build a relationship with someone you don’t see very often. And of course, relationships can change over time, as can the quality of the attachment bond. Babies can also have different kinds of attachments to different people. If a parent has been absent or wasn’t feeling well for an extended period of time, the baby might feel less secure with that parent – which is completely natural. But with support and help, you can improve the relationship and the attachment.

Secure and insecure attachment

Research shows that babies attach in different ways, which are known as secure and insecure forms of attachment. Secure attachment is more advantageous later in life, when it comes to other relationships and how you feel in general. With a secure attachment style, the baby expects that their caregiver will be available when the baby needs something. It’s typically thought that about two thirds of all children develop a secure attachment style with their caregivers. On the other hand, with insecure attachment, the baby expects their caregiver to be unreliable in their availability.

There are numerous reasons why a baby might develop one of the various forms of insecure attachment. It isn’t just the availability and reliability of the caregiver, but also the baby’s personality and the family’s circumstances in life more generally.

Nor is it possible to say how the baby will feel or how things will go later in life based on their attachment style. Many other circumstances, such as school, friendships, trauma, economic vulnerability, random events and so on have an even bigger impact. But simply put, you might say that secure attachment is a protective factor and insecure attachment is a risk factor.

However, it’s complex. What we know with certainty is that a secure attachment pattern is calmer and more comfortable for the baby in the moment, because it means they expect care and shelter, and can receive them calmly. The baby can show their needs clearly, which means their needs are easier to meet than babies with an insecure attachment pattern, who can be harder to understand sometimes. A secure attachment pattern means the baby is often less stressed and has an easier time relaxing.

Disorganised attachment

Perhaps you’ve heard of the term disorganised attachment? With this style, there is no predictable pattern. Instead, the baby tries to seek shelter and help from their caregiver through unpredictable and contradictory behaviours. This is often really challenging and when a baby demonstrates this kind of attachment, it indicates that the entire family needs help, for example through social services or a child psychologist.
Numerous factors play a role in the development of disorganised attachment, one of which is that the baby may have been frightened by their caregiver in some way, for example through neglect or violence. But difficulties with the baby could also impact attachment –in other words, you can’t always say that disorganised attachment is due to mistreatment of the baby by the caregiver.

Secure children

The western world’s experts in child-rearing have long talked about the importance of the baby developing “independence”. It was considered important for babies to sleep in their own bed; it was thought that crying and screaming shouldn’t necessarily be “rewarded” with comfort, and that preferably, babies should quickly learn to play in groups at preschool. More modern attachment theory is based instead on the baby’s independence being built on a foundation of secure attachment. Today, most child psychologists say it is better to be sensitive to the specific child’s needs than to force independence. Young children can’t be “spoiled” when it comes to comfort and love, and we know that babies are very different when it comes to how independent they are happy to be.

Early on, the baby will learn to feel a base level of trust in their caregivers; they will learn how their own behaviour affects their surroundings and what responses their signals get. A crying infant who is soothed learns that the world is a place where you can find care and safety. If a caregiver consistently doesn’t care or notice the baby’s signals, or if they never react predictably, this will affect the baby’s sense of security. Of course, it’s even worse if the person who is supposed to provide that sense of security also subjects the baby to angry outbursts or abuse. If there is no one else available, the baby will still be forced to seek closeness and shelter from the person who is also a threat, and this kind of relationship can produce significant problems when it comes to trusting others later in life.

Separation from caregivers

Reacting to separation is completely natural for young children. They usually begin to develop a sensitivity to separation around 6-8 months, but some might be highly sensitive to separation for several years. Even if it is hard, it is mostly harmless for the baby to be separated from their caregivers for brief periods, as long as they are in a different secure environment in which their needs for care and contact can be met. There is no scientific evidence that it damages a baby’s attachment pattern if they start preschool early or alternate which parent they live with. But we do know that extended periods of separation from their caregivers, especially if the baby is in an environment that is not sufficiently secure, are very stressful for babies. What constitutes a period of separation that is too long and what environments they need to feel secure varies from one child to the next. It is therefore important to consider what seems to work for your baby and to listen closely to their signals when it comes to separation.

Differences among babies

Most parents of multiple children are well aware that babies react differently from one another. From the very beginning, babies are different – just as adults are later in life. What worries, upsets, or angers one baby could be perfectly fine for another, just as they all allow themselves to be comforted differently. So that well-intended advice from friends about how to put a baby to sleep or how to help them be happy in their pram may or may not work for your baby.
Different babies need different things – some need more reassurance than others, which can absolutely be very exhausting for periods of time. But don’t forget that you are probably the one who is best able to offer your baby what they need the most.

When it’s difficult to meet your baby’s needs

Sometimes as a new parent, you may find yourself in a situation that makes it difficult to bond with your baby. For example, if you have a mental or physical illness, or if something has happened in life that requires so much focus that your relationship with your little one suffers. If this happens, it is important to find someone to talk to – such as a partner if you have one, friends, a nurse or a psychologist. Getting support from others to help you deal with the difficult situation you are facing could also help your relationship with your baby. For your little one, it is of course important to attach and to be able to relax within that relationship. So getting help is therefore good for both parent and child.

How do you help foster secure attachment in your baby?

It is easy to become preoccupied with this question as a parent; of course, everyone wants what’s best for their child and can be stressed if they are unsure whether what they are doing will be good enough, or if the baby will suffer in the future. These are thoughts that most parents of young children sit with – which is no surprise at all, because part of being a parent is doubting yourself and worrying about your child.

But when it comes to attachment, as a parent, you can often relax more than you might realise! The baby will attach to the person or people who take care of them automatically and the attachment process is not easily disturbed; you can’t “mess it up” through individual events or an occasional bad period, when you aren’t at your very best. Simply by being with your baby, most parents absolutely provide adequate comfort, protection, support and emotional presence for the baby to feel that they can trust that their parent is there, rain or shine, to meet their needs and give enough support for the baby to relax and feel secure.

Sometimes it can almost do more harm than good when a parent focuses too much on the baby developing a secure attachment style – being worried and stressed as a parent is not fun for the baby or for you. Instead, focus on having a wonderful time with your baby, so that both of you can enjoy one another and life together!

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.