Crying babies - how to comfort a crying baby

All newborns cry from time to time. It is their natural instinct to cry out when they need something, or feel pain, cold, discomfort and fear. It may sound strange, but it would be fatal if babies never cried – as their cries ensure their survival and wellbeing. It is also for the simple reason that a screaming baby is often very stressful for the parents. We can feel the importance of this in our whole being and our caring instinct tells us to make sure the baby is comfortable and calm. Then, once you have understood the baby’s cry and given the baby what it needs, you feel calm and happy too. It sounds pretty simple on paper, but unfortunately it is not always clear why the child is crying and what they need.

Different temperaments

Children are born with different temperaments that affect how sensitive a child is and how easy it is to comfort and calm the child. There are those who are prone to crying and cry a lot from the start, while others hardly ever cry. Of course, it also matters how responsive you are and how well you understand your child’s signals –⁠ at the beginning of parenthood it may be more difficult to understand than later when you have learnt to interpret the language. But a child’s own temperament and personality play a role in how much they cry as an infant. This can be comforting to think about sometimes when you think you’re doing everything to keep your baby happy, and yet you feel like they’re screaming all the time.

Why do babies cry?

For a newborn baby, crying almost always means they are hungry or need to stay close and be protected. The older your baby gets, the more their repertoire expands and the cry takes on more and more meaning. Most parents learn over time to understand their baby’s different needs, depending on how the baby cries and in what context. Crying is simply the baby’s way of expressing all kinds of needs and can therefore mean anything from hunger or tiredness to uncomfortable clothing or too much sunlight in their eyes. It is simply a clear signal to everyone around that the baby needs help with something and it is very important that people also react and offer help, comfort and support when the baby cries.

How much crying is normal?

In the first three months, a baby cries for an average of a couple of hours a day. Then it usually subsides as parents get to know their baby better and begin to understand what the cries mean. Also, it’s common for babies to have periods of sadness even when they are older – it’s perfectly normal for a baby who is hungry, tired, in pain or wants to be close to their parent to cry for a while to show it. If an infant cries unusually loudly, it may be a good idea to check with a doctor or nurse to discuss what could be causing the baby to be so unhappy, and whether colic or something else could be causing discomfort.

How do you comfort a baby?

What a newborn baby wants most when it cries is to be close to its parent and have its needs met by them. This means that the best way to comfort a distressed child is to keep them close by, offering close contact, reassuring talk and cuddles. Lots of babies like to be rocked rhythmically or carried in a baby carrier or in your arms. They also tend to calm down and settle more easily if the parent is able to stay calm themselves – which is not always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes parents get so stressed out when their baby cries that they are a little too quick to try lots of different ways to comfort them. It can be a good idea to try to take a step back and be patient, and to keep doing the same thing for a while before trying the next thing. Almost always, babies need a bit of the same thing before they calm down.

Newborn babies who cry often need to be fed, and sometimes it can be difficult to feed the baby due to their cries and distress. If you see this pattern, it is a good idea to listen and watch carefully for your child’s signals and feed them before they get too upset. Similarly, babies can become frantic with fatigue and scream so much that they have trouble sleeping. Being close to the parent and being carried or rocked to sleep can often help.

How does a baby’s cry affect the parent?

As most parents would agree, having a baby who cries a lot is often very taxing emotionally. They often feel powerless and sad, while at the same time feeling guilty and like a bad parent who can’t comfort their own child. It’s also common to get stressed about it and almost feel like you can't really think straight. This may sound strange, but it is perfectly natural and actually a good thing, as it means you are emotionally present and can empathise with the child’s feelings. The stress causes the parent to try to calm the child and make them happy again. Comforting and caring for your little one when they cry is very important for both attachment and wellbeing.

When you feel you can’t take it any more

If you have a baby who cries a lot and is particularly difficult to comfort, it’s not surprising that you may feel exhausted at times. It is a tough thing to feel and you may need help. Here are our tips:

• You need to rest from time to time to be able to cope in the long run! Try to get a break for yourself – if there are two parents, let the other parent take the child, otherwise a babysitter can be useful. Your child will be fine without you for a while, even if they are sad and your heart is breaking! Just a short break can do a lot for your energy levels and mood. If there is no one nearby, it can still be a good idea to take a short break when you start to feel like you’re about to boil over. Putting your child in a safe and secure place and taking a few breaths alone in another room can be exactly what you need when you are so stressed by the screaming that you are about to explode.
• Just because your child cries a lot doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong! It means a lot to the baby that you are close, comforting and trying to understand – even if this does not make the baby happier. Don’t give up!
  Your baby needs a parent, although it may seem that sometimes they don’t even realise you’re there…
• Try to ask for help when things are difficult! There’s nothing wrong with recognising that it’s hard to deal with a screaming child –⁠ and there’s nothing wrong with you or your child either. A nurse, psychologist, counsellor or other person you trust can provide great support during a difficult period. Together, you can also think about whether there is anything you or your child needs to help them feel better during these stressful circumstances.
• Don’t forget that you can also take a period of sick leave if things are really tough during parental leave. If there are two parents, the other parent can take parental leave and you can help each other at home with the baby for a while. This solution can be incredibly helpful when you’re worn down by lack of sleep, nights with a screaming baby and emotional turmoil. If no other parent is around, perhaps the comfort of the grandparents could help, or someone else close to you – most people want nothing more than to help – so don’t be afraid to ask!

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.