Early on with your newborn

Walking through the hospital doors with your very first child feels unreal! It might even be hard to grasp that you actually get to take your baby home. The terms “mum” or “dad” might like pretend when spoken the first time.

Becoming a parent

Becoming a mother or father is probably the greatest adjustment we’ll ever face in our lives. Before the baby comes, it’s usually practical aspects that take up so much of our thoughts, like how we’ll have less time for other things or be sleep deprived. But the biggest change actually happens on the inside. However much we intend to stay the same and retain our identity, the fact is that a new identity is forming. And it’s an identity that is impacted by going from just having parents – to becoming one yourself.

Just because someone else’s needs must now come before yours doesn’t mean all of your needs can or should be pushed aside, and it isn’t unusual to have contradictory feelings about that. How strongly the experience of that contradiction is varies from one person to the next. For some, parenting feels like the most natural thing in the world. Sometimes it’s even liberating to stop having to focus so much on yourself. Others will feel like they’re fumbling and searching for their identity and that they miss their old selves. Most ultimately settle in to their identity, but it can also feel more or less clear during the different phases of raising a child. The best advice we can give is to talk to others about what you’re going through, because sharing usually eases the pressure on yourself. And remember that this is a completely normal process, a bit like experiencing your teenage years again: then, it was about transitioning from childhood to adulthood; now, it’s about transitioning from adulthood to parenthood. Struggling with your feelings about this change has nothing to do with how much you love your child. It’s important to remember that.

Lots of emotions

After giving birth, it isn’t certain that you will suddenly feel flooded with joy. Those feelings might not even come in the first few days. But many people might feel more sensitive than usual, which is neither strange nor rare; for mums who just gave birth, this is often called the baby blues, but it’s also emotionally exhausting to take on a brand-new identity, which all new parents go through.

Many people may feel caught off guard by their strong emotions for their baby – both love and frustration. Because as warmly as you might feel about your sleeping baby, you can feel equally stressed and frustrated when you’re unable to successfully soothe them. Your happiness can rapidly turn into tears, and irritation can quickly become tenderness. It can be hard to not recognise yourself in these emotional storms, but the heightened sensitivity actually serves a good purpose: it allows you to quickly pick up on your baby’s signals and interpret what they want. Feeling particularly emotional during this time is completely natural and good. But sometimes, you can have too much of a good thing, and those intense emotions can make things worse instead of better – because the more upset and irritated you become, the harder it can be to comfort the baby. At that point, it’s a good idea to take a break, breathe calmly and then try again.

Major changes in life can make us more vulnerable to stress and depression. If it feels like your chaotic emotional state is never-ending, getting worse with time, and moving towards increased melancholy or depression, you may need support to find your way back. Talk to your doctor as soon as you can, because the earlier you get help, the easier it will be to recover.

Daily life with a newborn

Many people feel unsure during those first few days at home with their baby; it can take time before you get a hang of all those practical tasks. That’s why we’ve gathered up loads of tips, covering everything from what baby’s first poo should look like, what those breakouts mean, how to give baby a bath, clean the umbilical stump or change a nappy. If you want to breastfeed, it can be helpful to keep in mind that it’s often a bit of a struggle at first: sore nipples and tender breasts can hurt more than you might realise. But once that challenging early period is behind you, it can be incredibly cosy and lovely. A reasonably calm and stress-free environment can often help breastfeeding go better in the beginning. It’s also important to seek help from your doctor early on if you want to breastfeed your baby, but it isn’t quite working.

You should also try to have realistic expectations of yourself as a new parent. Assuming that you might not have time for much more than caring for (and getting to know) your new baby will be helpful; any time left after that will feel like a bonus. To be sure, it’s frustrating to barely have time for a shower at first, but this will all get easier with time. However, infants need loads of regular sleep, and if you’re feeling calm and so inclined, it’s a good idea to try to get some rest yourself – or to take that shower. If it feels hard to unwind, then aim to hold your baby skin to skin – as often as you possibly can. This is important for the baby because it is soothing, it strengthens your attachment bond, and it helps retain body heat, but even parents benefit from skin-to-skin contact because touch and closeness release oxytocin, the peace and calm hormone.

When can people visit your newborn?

It’s perfectly fine to decline to receive visitors if you want to be alone in your baby bubble for a little while. Friends and family who are eagerly waiting to meet the baby can trust that baby will be just as adorable in a month or so, and maybe a bit livelier, too. They can also help you out in other ways, for example by delivering lunches or taking care of a big grocery shop. Once they do visit, one tip is to enjoy a little break for yourself; maybe a grandparent can take the baby out for a walk in the pram while you rest. Being a bit restrictive about having too many visitors or gatherings of people during the first six months is also good for preventing the baby from getting too many colds, which can be particularly tough for newborn babies.

However, not everyone has grandparents who are waiting to drop by. Maybe they’ve passed away or live far away, or maybe you don’t have that kind of relationship with them. Whatever the reason, it can impact how you feel: your relationship with your parents often shapes how you view parenthood, and with a brand-new baby in your arms, of course that might feel especially present.

Your instincts and outside input

We know that parenthood can be incredible, incredibly difficult, and incredibly scary all at once. But we also know that most things actually go just fine when you trust your instincts and do what you think is best. Many people might present their opinions about how parents “should” be and it can be easy to feel shamed by others’ comments, or to feel like you’re doing it wrong. Most people mean well, even if it doesn’t feel like it. If someone you see often frequently presents you with “good advice”, you might want to explain to them that it makes you feel insecure to receive so much unsolicited input, and that you would rather try things out yourself first. And remember: there is no such thing as a perfect parent, at least not in the sense of some template for how you ought to be. In the baby’s eyes, you are already perfect and fully adored.

So take care of yourself!

If your household has multiple parents, it’s a good idea to help each other out as much as possible, and to be sensitive to your respective needs. The partner who is at home with the baby during the day also needs some sleep at night, for example, because being on parental leave is at least as difficult as any other job. It can also be difficult at times to let one another in when it comes to parenting, but it helps to talk to each other about it, and about your relationship. If you’re a single parent, then try to call in reinforcements in the form of friends and family if you haven’t already done so. If you gave birth, you also need to recover physically from both pregnancy and childbirth. How long that takes depends on how demanding everything was, but often it can be several months.

When it feels hard: try to take it one day at a time and remember that all parents are beginners in the beginning – every time a new baby is born, a parent is born, too. And you don’t have to know everything. The baby will teach you as you go.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.