Preparing for parental leave - how to have a great parental leave experience

Renovate the house, hammer out that business idea, or get into the best shape ever! We often get quite ambitious before our parental leave, but it’s wise to come to an agreement with yourself to lower your expectations a bit when it comes to how much time you’ll actually have for those projects. How social and active you will want to be are mainly matters of personality. The baby doesn’t have any need for activities; simply getting to be with a parent is enough stimulation for a newborn. Attending baby gymnastics, an open preschool or anything else are all for your sake, because it’s fun for you to meet other parents and their kids. But don’t feel any pressure to do these activities; they aren’t necessary as far as the baby is concerned.

Do we need routines?

Early on, babies don’t have particularly clear routines – falling asleep in the middle of a meal is nothing unusual for an infant. Nor is there any particular age at which it’s time to start introducing routines. Routines aren’t for the baby; they are for you, and for how you want to organise your time on maternity or paternity leave. Some people want established sleep times as soon as possible, while others are happy to operate with no routine for several years. But regardless of what you want, it can be hard to establish any predictability in the first six months. However, even babies have different personalities, and what works for one might not be ideal for another.

What will make you happiest as a parent during your parental leave will also depend on your personality. Some prefer to be able to do things at their and their baby’s pace, and to not have to mind the clock. For others, it’s preferable to have a basic structure to the day, which they try to follow as best they can. Most people benefit from getting out for a little while each day and from having some degree of social interaction with another adult. Babies are delightful in so many ways, but they can leave something to be desired when it comes to deeper conversation.

Once you want or need to create daily routines for your baby, it’s helpful to do certain specific activities in conjunction with what you want to happen. For example, maybe a brief massage or singing a lullaby before the baby goes to sleep, or playing outside for a bit before it’s time for lunch. Repetition and habits are the foundation for routines.

Rest when the baby rests!

Sleep deprivation plagues many people on parental leave and even if your body is actually equipped to handle these tough years of little sleep, it’s still wise to try to rest when the baby sleeps during the day. If you can sleep on command, then congrats! If not, never fear: there are more ways to recover. Some babies refuse to sleep anywhere other than in a rolling pram; in that case, you will recover while taking a stroll – or call someone else in to take the baby out for you. Once you decide to tackle the dishes or any of the many to-dos on your list, lots of babies enjoy sitting in a bouncer and watching their parent in action. So try to save your precious rest time to regain some energy instead.

If you have a multi-parent household and you are both on parental leave early on, it may be smart to take turns sleeping. Once one parent starts working again, one tip is to take a break when they come home from work. In addition to all the practicalities of caring for a baby, it’s exhausting for your brain to have total responsibility for someone else’s well-being – which doesn’t exactly get easier once your baby starts climbing and crawling. Sometimes, you might simply need to hand over the responsibility for a little while, which is also a great opportunity for the other parent to have some cosy baby time. Single parents might not have that luxury; in that case, you are more dependent on resting when the baby rests, or calling in a friend or family member so that you can disconnect your brain and arms for a little while.

Avoid the frustrations of parental leave

We’re all different when it comes to how we like, or dislike, to plan our time. But while on parental leave, it may be good to try not to be too rigid when it comes to how the day will unfold, for example that baby will sleep or be quiet at the ‘right’ time. Because then, when the baby does the exact opposite – and trust us, that’s going to happen more than once – the risk of frustration is imminent. Fighting an uphill battle to put your little bundle of joy to sleep – when they want nothing more than to be awake – will have your stress hormones going through the roof. Maybe they need a little more to eat or a nappy change before they can fall back asleep – or maybe everything happening around them is way too exciting. In that case, see if it doesn’t work just as well to keep watching your TV show, eating lunch, or doing yoga with baby by your side, and then you can check to see if your little one wants to sleep a little later instead.

Being second up on parental leave

On paper it might sound like it should be simple to take over as the parent on leave – but that isn’t the reality. On the bright side, the parent who is now back at work knows exactly what it’s like to drink cold coffee, have no time to brush your hair, and eternallyrock a baby who refuses to sleep. A frustrated look may be all it takes for them to understand exactly how the day has gone for the parent now on leave. When you switch which parent is on leave, your baby might miss the parent who had been staying home before. Try not to take it personally. Those two have been together, thick as thieves, for essentially every waking moment, so it’s no surprise that they miss each other.

When it’s time to take over the parental-leave baton, it’s a good idea to determine for yourself how your days with the baby will go. While it isn’t wrong to get tips from your predecessor, it might not feel great to receive a list of all the things that have to be done, what foods the baby will eat and which clothes they should wear. It’s usually much better to decide what works best for you – after all, a new duo is in the works now! You aren’t the same person as your partner; you have different needs and wishes socially, and your baby is getting older every day, so their needs will change as the weeks go by.

A special time

Yes, we know it sounds like a cliché, but being at home with your baby – if you have the ability to do so – really is a wonderful opportunity, and indeed, this is a time you will never get back. But it’s also easy to feel a little stressed by outside comments, or your own internal expectations, about how you should be enjoying this time. Life isn’t constant delight; it’s up and down sometimes, now and any other time. There are boring November days even when you’re on parental leave. Sometimes, we worry the baby will suffer if we aren’t always in tiptop shape, but that isn’t the case. Lots of parents have a hard time sometimes, but still manage to be emotionally present and to be great parents. Above all, babies need human parents, and that means showing all sides of ourselves – from tears and sighs to laughter and smiles. How long you want and are able to be on parental leave, and how soon you return to work, will vary. Never mind what other people are doing. Instead, listen to your instincts and operate based on your opportunities and what works for your family.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.