Tips for less sibling jealousy

There are children who love their new sibling from the start, but there are also those who –⁠ when the novelty wears off – think that you can return the baby to the hospital. No matter how hard you try to prepare the future big brother or sister before the baby arrives, you never know what their reaction will be. It’s a big change for the whole family, and most people who have just had a sibling find that life is a little unsettled and doesn’t feel quite the same. So it is not surprising that there are different responses!

Initial period after the family has grown

If possible, try to spend the first few days together as a family. You all need to get used to your new roles and it is common for children who have become big brothers or sisters to feel anxious and not fully relaxed before settling into theirs. The feeling and fear of being left out may be present, often coupled with a feeling that life has suddenly become difficult and full of demands when there is a little baby to adapt to. The older sibling may wonder whether the parents really still love them as much, because it doesn’t sound like it when they’re just cuddling the baby all the time…

And then there’s the fact that the little one doesn’t live up to expectations – and is actually quite boring and mostly cries – which is another thing that can cause a tinge of disappointment. There may also be concerns about how fragile the baby is and that there might be an accident. There is simply an incredible range of emotions that can, and probably will, bubble up during the turbulent time with a new little family member. That’s why it’s a good idea to plan a lot of quiet time together.

How do you prevent jealousy between siblings?

Naturally, when a new baby arrives in the family, the older child can’t get the parent’s attention in the same way as before. You can’t do anything about it, but it usually helps to talk about it with your child. Understanding that it is sometimes difficult and not very fun to always have to share parents with another person is usually beneficial for the older sibling. This lets them know that it is okay to feel disappointed, angry or jealous of their sibling. Be careful not to judge these feelings, but see them as a natural process that is necessary for a while.

Often, in two-parent families, the parent who did not give birth takes more responsibility for the older sibling when a baby arrives. While this can be very rewarding and deepen the relationship, there is a risk that the child may feel that the other parent has simply replaced them with their new little one. As parents, it’s a good idea to think about this and try to share responsibility for the baby, perhaps swapping roles so that the older child gets to spend quality time with both parents and not just one of them. Taking turns doing things with the older child can be a way to help them not get too jealous.

Another important thing to keep in mind in order to prevent jealousy is to try to keep a cool head and not be too overprotective of your little baby. Obviously, the baby has to be protected if there is hitting and similar from jealous siblings, but it’s usually hard on everyone if the parents protect the baby so much that the older siblings can barely look at the little one without someone running to admonish them. A good way to teach older children what they can and can’t do when it comes to close contact is to let them help out. Older siblings are excellent helpers when it comes to fetching nappies and dummies, lifting the baby’s legs when changing nappies, putting on their hat, changing the baby’s sheets etc. In addition to learning how soft and gentle you should be with your younger sibling, it usually feels good to be really important to your little sibling, to take care of the baby together with the parents and not be left out.

When jealousy is at its peak

Most children get a little bit jealous when they get a younger sibling, but for some it’s a particularly strong emotion – even if parents have tried to prevent it and make everything as nice as possible. In these cases, there is usually a challenging period –⁠ often with harsh words and physical assaults on the little baby –⁠ which is difficult for everyone in the family. The only thing you can do in this situation is to try to understand what triggers the jealousy and help the child with their feelings. It’s really hard to experience jealousy, so the older sibling needs to be comforted, supported, encouraged and comforted again when it’s most difficult. Feeling understood and loved, even when you’re angry, is incredibly important and healing and helps the jealousy to subside more quickly. Shower the older child with as much affection, cuddling, smiles and attention as the baby gets – as much as you can manage! It pays off in the end and your older child will become more confident and calm over time.

A common expression of jealousy in young children is to physically attack their younger sibling, such as pinching, pushing, hitting or biting. It can be scary, of course, but try not to be completely horrified if it happens, and instead see it as an accident where the child’s emotions got the better of them. If you have a sibling who regularly hurts the baby, it is a good idea to try to stay near the children for a period of time so that you can stop it before it happens. Even though it can make you feel annoyed and sad, it is very important to realise that violence committed by a sibling is not a sign that the child is a bad person, is badly behaved or hates their sibling. Instead, it’s a matter of impulse control, so adults need to be around to help children stop themselves. If you don’t make a big deal out of it and just state that you must not hurt the baby and then distract them with something else more positive, it usually subsides and doesn’t become a big problem.

When the older child wants to be a baby again

As well as jealousy, envy is also common after having a sibling. Many older siblings look longingly at dummies, bottles and nappies and want nothing more than to be a baby themselves and be cared for by their parents in the same way. Whilst it can be a little frustrating that your child suddenly wants to go back to bedtime nappies after your struggle to get rid of them, it’s not strange or bad. The older child will not really regress in their development if they are looked after and made to feel like a little baby for a while. Offer extra attention if your child wants it! Carry, feed, cuddle, snuggle, talk baby talk or whatever it is that the child craves. They tend to enjoy it immensely, and it’s also a good opportunity to shower them with a little extra love, thus avoiding jealousy.

Here’s what you can do to help a jealous sibling:

• Make sure the older child does not feel guilty about being jealous. Tell them that you understand how they feel. Talk about it.
• Let the older child join in as much as they want and as much as possible when you are with the baby.
• Praise your child for all the nice things they do for their younger sibling.
• Being the oldest child in a family should never be seen as a negative; instead, let it be an advantage to be an older sibling.
• If possible, make mealtimes enjoyable for the older child as well. Whoever is not holding the baby and feeding them may be able to read a book to the older child or play something really fun outside. Or perhaps the older child can play with something quietly next to the parent and baby, or they can watch a film together during feeding. If you have the energy and imagination, you can make up your own story that can be continued over several mealtimes –⁠ children are usually not too fussy if the story has small gaps here and there, but often like to be involved in imagining what happens next.
• The little baby will have a lot of things that are new in the home. It may be wise to buy a gift from the younger sibling to the new big brother or sister, so that they feel that they are not the only ones getting something.
• Ask relatives and friends to first greet and talk for a while with the older child before admiring the new arrival. If they bring a gift for the little one, it is wise to bring something for the older child as well.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.