When the baby favours one parent

It’s common for kids to go through periods of having a preference for which parent will put them to bed, soothe them and pick them up from preschool, and it passes. Sometimes the same person is favoured for everything, and sometimes the child is very selective about who is best suited to what task. Usually, it shifts back and forth a bit as the child grows up, but some kids have particularly strong wills and, potentially, a very determined idea about these things for longer.

Why might kids favour one parent?

It’s often the case that the parent who can be with the child the most is the one to whom the child turns. We attach to the people who are around us and who respond to our needs. So one tip is to try to share responsibility and time spent with the baby from the very start – but that won’t necessarily be a universal fix. Preferring one parent can be more or less clear nevertheless; maybe the child becomes hyper-focused on the parent who comes home at the end of the day instead of the one who is always home.

At first, when your baby is very young, they usually seek out the most familiar arms and scents. Once the child is a little older, it’s more clearly tied to longing and a need for the particular person – such as mum’s fun way of telling a story, or dad’s gentle toothbrushing skills. This is tied to the fact that parents are different individuals and have different relationships to and ways of being with their children. One parent can’t completely replace the other, because they’re different people. It might be helpful to consider the relationship you have or had with your own parents. This doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is better or worse, only that your child has different needs for now. This can also pass quickly and the parent who just felt rejected can quickly become the big favourite.

What does this feel like for parents?

Naturally, how you react to a child’s preference for one parent and wish to only be with them will differ. It can be particularly challenging when a child has a preference for one parent to do everything, from getting dressed and eating to comfort and bedtime. For the favoured parent, this can be mentally exhausting, while the non-favoured parent might feel hurt. Feeling like you have to be continuously present can produce stress and a sense of inadequacy, alongside a guilty conscience for wanting to do things without your child.

Parents who really tried to share time with the baby may find it especially tough, because you worked hard for the relationship, and still, this is how things are. In that case, it’s important to keep a few things in mind at once. Just because your child prefers to be with one parent doesn’t automatically mean the child is making an active choice to reject the other. That said, of course, you can still feel hurt – and it often helps to acknowledge and take your feelings seriously. Talk to your partner about how you’re experiencing the situation and see if you can establish a plan to resolve it together. You should also try to have faith that a dedicated and present parent will be rewarded sooner or later – and that all of the child’s parents are equally important.

What can you do when your child favours one parent?

If the parents don’t perceive it as a problem, then you don’t have to do anything. Otherwise, a general tip is to work together: don’t try to compete for the child’s attention or show that you are the one who can best (or worst) manage a given task, because the child will sense that and believe it. It will be easier for them to accept who will be putting them to bed and who will be dressing them if you’re clear and prepare them in advance regarding who will do what. You can also learn from each other: if your child seems to prefer doing particular tasks a certain way – like singing a song while brushing their teeth – then the other parent can try doing the same thing and see if it helps. Another way is to try to create space to find different areas of responsibility, for example where one parent takes over bedtime, while the other does preschool pickup. This gives you a natural moment with your child and it might be easier for little ones who prefer one parent to accept that the other parent always reads the bedtime story.

Meanwhile, things will usually go well if you are on your own with the child. If so, you can try a transitional period – because that is usually what it’s about – in which you try to maximise time spent with your child when you’re on your own: read those stories, put them to bed, and have a cosy time together. As parents, you should clearly show care and warmth towards one another while you’re together; the baby will perceive this and may even embrace it. Keep in mind that it rarely works to force a behavioural change. If your baby fights back or declines altogether, one tip is to back off for now and let it run its course, because otherwise, you’re at risk of things escalating. You also shouldn’t make your child feel bad about you being sad, because first and foremost, your child has the right to have their needs met. There is no calculation going on in their behaviour; this is just an honest desire to be with the other parent at this time. It may feel good for both the child and the rejected parent to put the situation into words together, and to show the child that you understand how they feel. “I see; you just want to be with mum right now! I understand, because she’s wonderful! She is the world’s best mum! But I like being with you too, so tonight, you get to be with me, and we can miss mum together.”

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.