Bonding with the baby in your belly

We spoke with psychologist Tova Winbladh about feelings for your baby while they’re still in the womb, when those feelings might come, and why they might not.

Babies have to bond with an adult purely for their survival, but what about parents bonding with their children – and before they’re even born? What mechanisms are at play here? Do they serve an evolutionary purpose?

As the baby grows and their arrival approaches, most future parents start to develop a relationship with them, even though they haven’t met yet. This is often the case even for parents awaiting an adopted baby.

Sometimes we talk about prenatal bonding, by which we mean an emotional relationship that a parent develops with an unborn child. But this term is a little misleading, because the baby is actually the one doing the bonding, rather than the parents. The baby in your belly can’t connect yet, but parents can certainly feel close to their child before they’re born.

Parents prepare to receive and care for their baby in other ways, too. Your identity and sense of self can often change as the birth of your child approaches; you might feel a little more sensitive and fragile than usual. Paired with tender feelings you have for the baby you’re awaiting, this makes it easier for parents to give love and care to their child when they get here. Our bodies and psyches are smart in this sense, and prepare us well for the important task ahead.

Is it common to not have any particularly strong feelings for your unborn baby?

Developing a relationship with someone takes time, and when you can’t meet them, it takes even longer. In the beginning and middle of pregnancy, it’s common to not feel anything in particular for the foetus itself, even if you might have a strong sense of longing for life as a parent. Towards the end of pregnancy, things will start to feel more and more real, and your baby can communicate with movements. At that point, most people feel warmth and tenderness towards their unborn child.

But sometimes, you have loads of things going on in your life while you’re pregnant that take up your focus, or you might be anxious, or having a hard time emotionally in other ways. In those situations, you might not really feel anything for the unborn baby, even towards the end; you might even have some negative feelings. Sometimes it can be hard to think of the baby as their own individual before they are born, and sometimes our primary focus is on childbirth, which could get in the way of being able to feel anything for the baby.

Not feeling anything in particular for your baby during pregnancy absolutely doesn’t mean you won’t feel anything for your child once they’ve arrived! Many parents don’t develop emotions for their baby until after childbirth, and sometimes even a few weeks or months later. That too is absolutely fine for the baby – you can be a loving and present parent even if you don’t feel a very strong bond at first.

If my thoughts on the baby are... neutral – is there anything I can do to be more emotionally prepared?

Emotions are tricky because you can’t control them at will. In fact, it may even be the case that the more you try to control your feelings, the more locked up they become. That’s why it doesn’t really help to think about how you should feel, and then feel bad that you don’t feel that way. We all have our own inner psychological worlds and we therefore react to life experiences differently.
Trying to lower your expectations of yourself and what you “should” feel is a good thing to focus on if you’re going to be a parent, but you don’t feel much for the baby on the way just yet.

Instead, focus on mentally preparing yourself to be a parent as best you can. It’s wise if you can let work and other demands take up as little space as possible in the run-up to your baby’s birth. Sometimes you need a period of no stress and no demands to allow yourself space to focus on the big thing that’s about to happen. And if you’re overwhelmed by work, that can take over, and you might feel unprepared when your baby arrives. It might also feel good to make practical preparations for the baby, to feel like you’re on top of the situation – even if emotionally, things may feel hard and scary. Making a bed for the baby and washing those little clothes can make it all feel more real and help you prepare mentally.

Another very important thing you can do is to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. Talking to someone will often help you realise you’re not alone in feeling how you feel, and it can be a huge relief to get to put any fears and worries into words that someone else hears. That might be a partner, a friend, your own parent or a professional. The things we think about without talking about can grow bigger and darker than necessary. You might also consider the fact that your concern about feeling too little for the baby is in fact an indication that you do care, and a budding relationship is already there.

I don’t think there’s much more you have to think about than that! Once the baby arrives, this kind of thing generally sorts itself out: whether right away or after a little while, parents do fall totally in love and are incredibly caring. Trust that!

What is your experience, Tova? Is it so that the partner who isn’t carrying the child starts to care a little bit later?

It depends, I would say. The more involved you are during the pregnancy, the more equally your relationship and care for the baby will develop. But sure, it does give you a head start when you’re physically reminded of the baby’s presence several times every day. Parents-to-be who aren’t pregnant can sometimes go several days without even thinking about the baby, which means you might be a bit behind during the pregnancy.

But when the baby is born, I would still say that above all, individual variations are what affect how quickly you bond emotionally with the baby, and that includes parents who carried the baby and parents who didn’t. Other factors play a bigger role than whether or not you carried the baby in your own body.

Is there generally a difference between the first and second child? How easy is it to kickstart your care system?

People are often calmer and more relaxed when we can imagine what will happen in a given situation, and many parents of multiple children find that to be true when awaiting their second baby. You already feel secure in your identity as a parent and you know more or less what can happen during childbirth, as well as how to take care of a newborn. That knowledge tends to bring a sense of calm that could make it easier to build an emotional bond with the baby in your belly. With your first baby, everything is unfamiliar and it’s easy to feel anxious, so it can be harder to relax and let your feelings come.

Your second pregnancy might also feel like it goes much faster and you might not manage to focus on your growing new baby as much as you did during your first pregnancy, because you’re the parent of a young child and life is full and busy. That can be a little sad sometimes, and you might worry that you aren’t adequately prepared for your second baby’s birth. But that isn’t usually an issue. Once your baby is born, love and care quickly kick in – they were already there, waiting throughout your pregnancy.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.