Having siblings - tips for dealing with jealousy

The idea of having to share your parents with someone else can stir up a lot of jealousy – and that’s a natural emotion. Kids don’t know that parents’ hearts can grow to hold an infinite amount of love. So don’t assume that your child is as excited as you are about your new little family member, and try to listen and validate their feelings. Since all children are different, there are also different things you can do to prepare a child to be a sibling. Depending on how old the older sibling is, the best approach for talking about the new baby may differ. The younger the child is, the harder it will be to understand the perspective of time and what having a sibling means. So if you’ve got a two-year-old at home, it’s likely that they will see the baby as an intruder at first – regardless of what you do. But young children adapt quickly and most actually forget that they ever were an only child. If your children are very close in age, they may grow up more or less like pseudo twins.

Siblings at different ages

When it comes to siblings, every age has different challenges. And there is no optimal or easiest age at which to get a new sibling. If the big brother or sister is 1–2 years old, there will be a lot of focus on the practical work and care of the baby, but it might be easier for the older sibling to accept the new family member quickly. If the older sibling is 3–5 years old, the practical work will likely be easier, but you might encounter more jealousy and conflict. At 6 and up, the challenge will be about going from being an only child to sharing your parents, and it can take a while for the child to get used to this brand-new situation.

When is the best time to tell your child they’re going to have a baby brother or sister?

There is no perfect time. It depends on your child’s personality and age, and on your life situation. Many people wait until the belly is obvious, because that can make it more concrete and easier to understand. Keeping a secret isn’t easy when you’re little, so if you want to wait to tell others your news, then you should wait a little longer to tell your child.

Be sure the future big sister or brother is among the very first to hear the news – and that they hear it straight from you. Learning in passing from a relative can be an unnecessarily tough start and make the child feel forgotten. If your child is old enough, maybe they should be the one to get to tell the news to friends and family when they come for a visit.

And remember: children have a well-developed intuition and notice quickly when something seems different with parents – so it’s likely that your child has noticed that things aren’t how they usually are. If you think that’s having a negative effect, if they seem unusually anxious, it’s probably better to tell them about the pregnancy than it is to wait.

Tips on preparing your child to be a sibling

• If you know another family with an infant, it may be good to spend time with them before your baby arrives. Even if your child doesn’t show any interest in the baby, it can still be a way to understand what a baby is, that it’s completely natural, and it can even be fun.
• If your child wants to help pick out clothes or other items for the baby, that can be a great way to feel involved. If you’re feeling brave, you can even let the older sibling contribute name ideas.
• Numerous children’s books illustrate what it means to be a sibling in a lovely and easy-to-grasp way. For a child, it might be easier to understand when everything is presented in pictures, and parents can occasionally refer to the book when similar situations come up in life: “You know, like we read in the book about...”
• In general, it’s preferable if other major changes in the child’s life don’t happen right when the sibling arrives. Of course, you can’t always control when it’s time for your child to stop using diapers or start preschool, but if something is within your control, then it will be helpful for your child if you can avoid letting too many changes happen at once.
• Try not to talk about pregnancy-related ailments in a way that makes your child think it’s the baby’s fault. Parents have to be allowed to be tired and sad in front of their kids sometimes, of course, but if your child hears that you’re tired because of the pregnancy, there is a risk that they’ll start blaming the baby for mum not being able to play, for example.
• If the baby is going to inherit the big sibling’s crib or anything else they’re currently using, one suggestion is to put that item away for a little while. It might be easier for the older sibling if they don’t feel like the baby is stealing their stuff.
• Let the older child get to know the baby in their own way, maybe by making the baby drawings, patting the belly, singing to the belly or feeling for kicks. Siblings are also usually welcome to attend the ultrasound and appointments with the doctor or midwife, which can be a great way to help your older child get involved and feel excited. If they want to, of course.
• Be honest. Talk about how nice it will be to have a new sibling, but also about how babies need lots of attention and care. Avoid talking about the baby as a friend to play with, since it will be a while before that happens. Instead, just tell them the truth: babies mostly sleep, cry and eat at first.
• Show your older child pictures of when they were a newborn and explain how often they ate and how much they were carried.
• While these preparations are about getting your older child involved, they also need to feel important and like not everything is about the new baby in your belly. For that reason, you don’t have to go overboard when it comes to talking about the baby. Let your child set the pace and try not to force interest.
• As your due date approaches, it’s good to prepare your older child for what will happen. We’re not talking about the nitty gritty of childbirth, but rather, just that the baby will be born at the hospital, that you’ll say goodbye before you go – even if it’s in the middle of the night – and let them know who will be with them while you’re away.
• Sometimes, siblings join a family through other paths than pregnancy, and in that case, it might involve fast action and long wait times. Adopted and foster children could also be the same age or older than the child awaiting a sibling, and you may therefore need to prepare them for that more specifically.
• A new family member is a huge event for the whole family and even if not everyone can visit the postnatal ward, you do have to find ways for everyone to welcome the new sibling – and above all, don’t forget to celebrate the older child, who is now a big sister or brother!

When the baby comes home, the older sibling can get involved in caring for the baby – if they want to. For example, maybe they can help by getting a diaper or giving the baby a pacifier. At the same time, don’t forget that the big sibling has just as much a need to still get to be little, maybe even more so now as they watch the baby get so many hugs and cuddles. As a parent, it is good to continuously remind yourself not to start treating your firstborn like they are older than they are, or start placing excessive demands on them just because there is a new baby in the family. You can read more about that in the article on the sibling’s arrival.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.