A child’s first playmates and friends

It takes time and practice to learn what it takes to be a friend. As adults, we know how nice it is to have friends and how important it is to have friendships that make us feel good. We therefore often start to look for, and believe that we can see, signs of friendship between children when they are still very young. Sometimes we place too much importance on a child’s friendships with other children, or we worry about the fact that our child does not yet have a best friend. We do this with the best of intentions, often believing that our children will be able to cope with the complexities of interaction with other children far too early.

Two-year-olds and parallel play

Around the age of two, children usually start to become more interested in other children around them. However, at this stage it is still very difficult for them to interact in a more advanced manner and to agree on the sharing of toys and other things that interest them. It is common for the play that takes place between children of this age to largely involve taking things from each other, defending one’s possessions and crying when the other child gets hold of them… Which is just as it should be, as this is a natural part of a child’s development and not a sign that the child is unusually selfish! As human beings, we are made to be curious and explore our surroundings, and the social rules we have developed regarding cooperation and justice are far too difficult and complicated for a small child to understand – young children are primarily driven by their own desire and will.

As adults, we may tend to start looking for signs of friendship between children at this early age, but the fact is that our little ones still need to develop further before it is possible for them to create lasting and close friendships. Rather than taking turns and interacting with other children in a form of social play, two-year-olds may feel that it is more than sufficient to simply sit next to another child while playing with their own toys. This type of parallel play becomes a way for children to discover friendship at a suitable pace. When a child then starts to take the first tentative steps in his or her social development, you can be there as a parent and provide help by gently guiding your child in the interaction with other children, and by trying to help your child understand how not to upset other children. However, you must allow the process to take the time it needs, and you should bear in mind that children of this age are still not able to control their impulses but are instead largely driven by their own desire at any given moment. Conflicts with other children are not based on intentional ill will!

Three tips on how to help young children play together

Learning how to be a good friend is something that takes time and is a learning process that often continues throughout our entire life. But even though this is a difficult process that demands a lot from us, there are a few tricks that can be used to help young children when they are just getting started.

• Don’t present children with too much of a challenge – instead, make sure that two of the most popular toys are available, or put away a toy that you know children will often fight over. It becomes easier for children to play together if they don’t have to struggle with agreeing on who gets to play with the toy that is the most attractive and fun!>/li>
• Try to avoid constantly correcting and parenting your child when he or she is playing – only get involved if the child needs help with conflict management or diversion from a difficult situation. Allow the child to play freely, even if he or she does not always behave exactly as you would like. An overly supervised child will often become stressed and more rowdy in the interaction with other children. Furthermore, children learn a lot about social interaction by being allowed to test different situations together – and they are usually fully capable of resolving minor play-related disagreements on their own.
• Talk to other parents about your thoughts regarding children and their behaviour towards each other. If you feel unsure about a situation, it may be helpful to check with other parents and ask them things like: “Do you think that my child is being too rough with your child?” or “Do you think that your child is finding this unpleasant?”. By communicating with each other about our children and how we think as parents, it becomes easier for us to understand each other and thus also easier to help our children play together.

When do children start playing with friends?

Children usually begin to be able to play together as three-year-olds. Even though children of this age are still immature when it comes to social relationships, this is when they start to show enthusiasm for other children and develop a significantly stronger interest in playing with other children. They take the step from parallel play to social play, at which point they use their imaginations to create forms of play and games together. They practice taking turns and doing things in order, and they are able to speak kindly and politely to each other with the aim of being a good friend – which feels like an enormous difference compared to the earlier phase in which they were tearing things out of each other’s hands. Research shows that, from the age of three, children pay more attention to and talk more with the other children at preschool than with the adults. So it is not unusual to see the beginnings of friendships at preschool, although for many children it may take longer to make really good friends, and friendships tend to change quickly at this age.

Sooner or later, most children make friends they enjoy being with, but this takes longer for some children than for others. Such is life – we are all different. Some of us look for friends to have fun with, some of us prefer to spend a lot of time on our own, while some of us look for friends who share our interests. And our interests may change, which means that our friends may also change. For children who experience difficulties when it comes to social interaction, playing with others can be a challenge throughout the whole of their childhood, in which case they need a lot of support and help from adults to facilitate the process.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.