Raising a child and cooperation in daily life

A three-year-old who throws a tantrum at the store because daddy won’t buy any lollies; a two-year-old who jumps up and down on the sofa with a devilish laugh, despite having already been told not to do so at least ten times; or a four-year-old who runs into their room, slamming the door behind them and yelling “STUPID MUMMY!”. How should a perplexed parent think and act? When should kids just be allowed to be kids, and when should you focus on raising them in a manner that teaches them how to become good members of society? Is it bad to coddle your kids, or is it actually harmful to be too strict? And what can you really expect from young children – should they do what you say, or is that too much to ask? Most parents have no doubt wrestled with all these questions from time to time, and there are almost as many different answers as there are children in the world. But in order to help straighten out a few key issues – and provide parents with tools for how to think and act – we have spoken to our expert psychologist Tova Winbladh about raising children and what research findings show us in terms of the things that affect children in a positive and less positive way.

What has the greatest influence on how a child turns out: the child’s genes, or the way the child is raised?

We now know for certain that children are born with different temperaments – in other words, various fundamental differences in personality that then affect the type of person they become and how they live their life. We also know that the environment in which a child grows up will influence the child’s personality and his or her choices in life. When children are really young, naturally their parents have a major influence on how they feel and behave, but as children also get involved in other aspects of life outside the home environment, they are increasingly influenced by factors such as preschool, school, friends, leisure activities, etc. Your child’s innate characteristics, along with his or her experiences in life, are the things that will jointly shape your child. In other words, it is not just parenting that determines how a child feels and behaves.

What is actually the best approach to raising a child – rules or freedom?

The issue of children’s freedom has been a topic of discussion for a long time now, and there are major differences between families in terms of how they relate to rules in family life. Some parents want to adopt a freer approach and focus on compliance with the needs of the child, while others want to create a more predictable situation in which the rules that apply are clear to everyone. Both approaches can work perfectly well for the child’s sake! But some children react negatively when life becomes too unstructured and changeable, and some children react negatively when life becomes too inflexible and controlled. As a parent, the challenge is to perceive whether your parenting style is suitable for your particular child – or whether you need to adapt it a little based on the individual personality and characteristics of the child.

Does that mean that parents may need to treat siblings differently? Isn’t there a risk that such an approach will be perceived as unfair by the child who is given “less” freedom?

I would say that all parents actually treat their children a little differently – even if their ambition is to be completely fair. Children who are a little more sensitive and easily affected will probably receive a less harsh reprimand when they do something wrong than children who hardly even notice a “no!” from a parent, and children who are more impulsive will receive a few more reminders and more vigilant supervision by their parents than children who find it easy to remember what they are allowed or not allowed to do. Children who seek intimacy often receive more hugs than those who are just as happy being left to their own devices, and unfortunately it must be acknowledged that children who are good-tempered and more compliant will receive more smiles than those who are stubborn and defiant about most things. That’s just the way things are, due to the fact that most parents actually completely automatically sense their child’s personality and adapt their parenting to the child’s needs.

Children may notice this difference from time to time and may even react to it. At such times, it is important to be honest with yourself and assess whether you might have been parenting on autopilot a little too much. Even if you treat your children a little differently from time to time, the key is to ensure that all your children share the same feeling of how important, special and fantastic they are in their parents’ eyes!

What can we do to help our children learn how to show empathy and be kind to others?

This is the greatest desire of many parents in terms of how they want to raise their kids, and a fundamental key to success is for the parents themselves to practise showing empathy, understanding and kindness towards their children. Sometimes things can end up completely back-to-front when, for example, our child happens to shove another child and our reaction as parents is to sternly look our child in the eye, demand a public apology and then send the child to their room so that they can sit there alone and think about what they have done. Will the child really learn empathy and kindness from this approach? Highly unlikely! Instead, the child learns what it feels like to be misunderstood and mistreated, and that it’s okay to treat others in this way, because that’s what my parents did to me...

In other words, a kind and empathetic approach to one’s children seems to be much more effective than strict parenting when it comes to shaping kind children. Of course, even the most kind-hearted of children need a certain amount of fine-tuning – learning to say thank you, sharing things and addressing others in a pleasant tone are not things that come completely automatically, but rather things that children need to be taught and shown by supportive parents.

Is it okay to use threats and bribery when raising a child, or could this be harmful for the child?

Almost all parents resort to threats or bribes from time to time in an attempt to get their children to do what they want. It is completely natural that such situations arise, and this type of parenting can sometimes be effective if it is done in a spirit of good interaction with the child, and with respect for the child and his or her will. A large part of raising children has to do with trying to encourage our children to do various things that we want them to do, and in this endeavour we are often prepared to try everything possible in our attempts to achieve the best possible situations. We entice and divert, we use bribes and threats, we try to be firm and authoritarian, and we try to use fun and games to achieve our goal through laughter and mischief. All these strategies are perfectly fine if used in moderation and to a varied extent! Children usually get what is going on and are able to understand that their parents mean well but are a little frustrated...

It is important to avoid threatening a child with things that make the child feel afraid or uncomfortable. For example, it’s not okay to threaten to abandon a child, or to say that the child will receive a frightening punishment. Parents should really do their utmost to avoid making their children feel insecure, even if it’s a case of a desperate parent trying in vain to make daily life function for the whole family. If you notice that you are starting to use fear tactics to control a child, it is usually advisable to seek support from another adult, in order to gain new strength and new insights.

What about if a child is just argumentative and defiant all the time? Does this mean that the child’s parents have done something wrong?

When young children are finding life difficult for various reasons, they often show it by not wanting to cooperate with those around them. Sometimes we call this defiance and perceive it as children testing their parents’ limits or just wanting to provoke their parents. But young children don’t think in such a complicated manner, and they have nothing to gain from angering the adults who are there to take care of them. Instead, defiance is often associated with difficulties in the cooperation between children and adults, and some of those difficulties almost always have to do with children feeling misunderstood or not having their needs met.

When children don’t want to cooperate with adults, it may therefore be a signal that the parents need to have a little rethink regarding their parenting style! Perhaps the demands are too great? Or perhaps it is unclear what is actually expected of the child? Perhaps the child is experiencing such difficulties during a particular phase of development that he or she is unable to follow rules in the same way as before? Or perhaps the child feels overly supervised and is ready to take much more self-responsibility than he or she is currently allowed?

In other words, children’s reactions could relate to completely different things, but the common element in almost all situations where children are perceived as defiant, provocative and impossible to cooperate with, is that those around the child need to take a look at themselves and try to find other ways of relating to the child. When young children feel understood and their needs are met, they also want to cooperate and have a good daily life together with their parents.

Some children seem to be more difficult and troublesome than others – what advice would you give the parents of such children?

As is the case with adults, young children are quite different to each other in terms of their personality. Some people find it easy to adapt and are emotionally stable individuals who don’t easily get upset or angry. Other people are completely the opposite – they react to things quickly and in a big way, and they find it difficult to have to adapt to the will of others. Children who we perceive as difficult to raise are often individuals with strong emotions and a lot of willpower. Regardless of how well you structure and present things, and no matter how skilled you are as a parent, some children will still react very strongly and negatively when they are told “no” and will find it difficult to follow rules and be obedient. This has nothing to do with them being spoiled! Nor does it mean that they are mean or selfish. It simply has to do with the fact that their personality is a little more difficult to control in everyday life – which makes the challenge even greater for the parents.

When dealing with particularly strong-willed and emotional children, it is important to ensure that you are not too harsh and punitive as a parent. It rarely helps to adopt an even stricter and harsher style of parenting – on the contrary, such an approach may make the child feel misunderstood and sad. Instead, you need to be smart and find ways of coping with daily life that work best for your child and you as a parent. When the relationship between a child and an adult is loving and warm, the chances of achieving good cooperation in everyday life usually increase dramatically. So it is better to focus on creating a good atmosphere at home rather than trying to get your child to follow a certain set of rules at any cost.

It feels like chaos all the time!! Where can I turn for help?

Firstly, remember this: you are not alone in feeling like this! For many people, taking care of and raising children is life’s greatest challenge. And the situation almost always becomes easier and better when there are several adults who can help each other! It is therefore a very good idea to seek support and help if you are finding parenthood to be exhausting, too much of a burden or too chaotic. A lot of help and support is available at a children’s health clinic and via the social services, in the form of discussions, contact with a psychologist, courses for parents and many other types of measures and activities. Contact your local children’s health clinic and tell them about your situation – the staff there will then be able to guide you to the right form of support! A health centre psychologist or a welfare guidance officer can also be a good point of support, or contact with your local child and youth psychiatry service.

Finally, it is worth pointing out that many parents feel like everything just descends into chaos now and then, so try not to worry – in most cases, life has a way of sorting itself out and taking a turn for the better after a while! And in most situations, friends and family are more than capable of providing the support a parent needs – the important thing is to have the courage to tell others that you are finding things difficult, and to ask for help and support when you need it. It is much easier to take on the role of parent together with others rather than on your own!

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.