Shy children

When, as parents, we notice how our child shyly hides behind our legs and curiously watches other children playing freely at the playground, it can cause us to experience a little heartfelt stab of sadness. We tend to feel that our child would also be there, having loads of fun, if only he or she had the courage to mix with the other children. And perhaps a cautious little child just wants a little help... or perhaps shy children are simply happy to take things at their own pace.

Shyness may lead to anxiety in new situations

Shyness is quite common, and from time to time we are all more or less cautious when it comes to interacting with others, especially at times when we are particularly sensitive to separation anxiety. Some children are, by their very nature, quite simply less outgoing than others. This means that they may, for example, need more time to adapt to a new environment. They hesitate and avoid groups. Quite often they also become anxious in new, unfamiliar situations, such as when they first encounter other children at preschool. It is also common for shy children to feel bothered by excessive attention – having a birthday, and therefore being the centre of attention, can be an extremely difficult situation for a shy child. Leaving the security of mum or dad can be a major problem.

A cautious approach to life

Sometimes, shyness only lasts for a brief period of time, and it is therefore always good to be patient. Yelling at a child, or dismissing a child’s feelings as wrong, will definitely not help the situation. On the contrary, this will most likely cause the child to feel even more insecure. If it turns out that a child’s shyness is not simply a passing phase, you need to have even greater patience in the hope that, in time, the child will learn to handle his or her shyness so that it does not become a hindrance. It is namely far from certain that a child’s shyness will become a hindrance for the child – being shy does not need to be a problem, it is largely an innate personality trait that can be a perfectly natural part of a person’s approach to life.

Shy or introverted?

If children are not troubled by their shyness, there is no reason to focus on helping them become less shy. On the contrary, there may actually be benefits associated with being more introverted, a personality trait that could in fact serve the child very well in life. There is also a difference between wanting to be with others but not daring to because you are shy, and not wanting to be social all that often because you are an introverted person. If your child is happy spending time alone and becomes exhausted and tired from too much social interaction, perhaps it is more a case of the child simply having a more introverted personality, rather than being shy?

Supporting a shy child

There are children who are not comfortable with their shyness. In other words, there are instances where it is noticeable that shyness prevents children from doing what they want. So how can we help shy children in such situations? Studies show that parents who adopt a soft approach and gently try to encourage their child and keep an eye on the child’s activities from a distance succeed better than those who attempt to control and monitor their child to a greater extent. This means that shy children need parents who are not overly “pushy” but who instead focus on being calm, understanding and sensitive.

In order to help curtail a child’s shyness, it may pay to try the following:

• Tell them that you understand how they feel, and calmly acknowledge the child’s feelings. Try to avoid becoming frustrated, even though this may be difficult. We all function very differently as individuals, and something that seems easy and natural to you may be extremely difficult for your child.
• Let your child play with one other child at a time. Instead of forcing your child to be social and interact with many other children at the same time, it may be easier to arrange play dates that aren’t too overwhelming, for example by allowing your child to play with just one other playmate. If this works well, it could be a great feeling for your child to have a friend with whom he or she feels secure, after which your child may then be able to find the courage to get to know more children.
• Try to plan things so that there is plenty of time available when it is time for enrolment at preschool. It can be a good idea to arrive at the preschool extra early in the morning, before there is already a large group of children there.
• Let your child observe the other children for a while, so that he or she understands what is going on. Make one or two suggestions as to how your child could start participating in the fun and games, but let your child decide when it is the right time to get involved. Be patient!
• It may sometimes help if you, as an adult, stick around and take part in the play for a while, thus providing a link for your child to participate in the fun and games.
• Even if you don’t feel that the situation is getting better, it is important that you don’t stop your attempts to encourage participation in social interaction. It might seem like your child is simply standing there and observing what is happening from the side, but there is always a lot going on inside a child, and by observing the actions of others, he or she will start to feel more and more comfortable with the situation over time.

When does shyness become a problem?

As already mentioned, it is perfectly normal to have a cautious and shy personality and yet still live a completely rewarding and fulfilling life that involves both time spent alone and time spent together with friends. In our culture, outgoing and bold behaviour is often viewed as something positive, yet there is actually nothing to suggest that outgoing and extroverted children should or will feel better or have better self-esteem than shy children. The simple fact of the matter is that there are different ways for individuals to function and thrive as human beings, and the various approaches have both advantages and disadvantages.

However, shyness can sometimes go too far and develop into a form of social anxiety that prevents children from doing what they actually want to. Perhaps a child would really like to attend another child’s birthday party but is prevented due to shyness, or perhaps a child would like to talk with the other children at preschool but finds it scary and difficult to do so and therefore ends up outside the social group. In such situations – when a child is suffering due to his or her shyness – it could be a good idea to arrange a little practice in social interaction together and help the child find the courage to take on new challenges. For example, it might be possible to practice taking small steps towards increased social interaction at a suitably sedate pace, perhaps with some small form of reward afterwards if the child has shown the courage to do something, even though it was a situation in which he or she felt very shy and nervous. Once again, it is important not to put too much pressure on the child – shy children must be allowed to practice and gain comfort in social interaction at their own pace.

If you truly feel that your child’s problems are growing and that shyness is starting to prevent your child from doing a lot of things and is causing suffering in your child’s life, you should contact a children’s health clinic or a psychologist for support and assistance.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.