Sibling squabbles

There is nothing strange about the fact that siblings squabble from time to time. In fact, it is almost impossible not to start arguing when you live as closely together as siblings do, and when you are forced to share everything from toys to your parents’ attention and time. Furthermore, particularly strong emotions are aroused in close relationships – due, of course, to the fact that such relationships are extra important to us. It is therefore far from strange that siblings can love each other deeply while also driving each other completely crazy.

Although, as a parent, it may be difficult to see your children at each other’s throats, the quarrels between them are not always a bad thing. Sibling squabbles are actually a way of practising conflict management and how to take turns, which are important skills in life. A certain amount of squabbling among siblings is therefore almost beneficial, and certainly not something that you need to try to eliminate through parenting.

Siblings who squabble constantly

However, in some families there are siblings who get stuck in unfortunate patterns of behaviour, whereby they set each other off in arguments and conflicts almost all the time. When this happens, it can have a negative impact on the family as a whole. The reason why some siblings argue more than others has to do with personalities and the guidance that the children receive from the adults in the conflicts. If, as a parent, you feel that sibling squabbles are negatively affecting your family’s everyday life, it could be a good idea to try to do something to help the children achieve a more peaceful existence at home.

What can be done to get siblings to stop squabbling?

As a parent, there are a few tips on what you can do to prevent and then reduce the degree of sibling squabbles. For example, you can consider the following:

• Avoid comparing the children with each other. Don’t make comparisons such as who puts on their shoes first, or who dares to try new food. Such comparisons create stress and competition. And unnecessary arguments. Furthermore, all children are of course different, with different circumstances and different personalities – and being compared with another child, let alone one’s own sibling, is not always particularly beneficial for a child’s self-esteem.
• Highlight their different personal and common strengths, and emphasise the positive aspects of each unique individual. When children fight and there is a lot of squabbling among siblings, the children often get to hear a lot of negative things about themselves. It is therefore important not to forget to allow scope for the children’s positive and wonderful traits.
• Encourage cooperation and teamwork when possible. For example, let them form a team against you when you are playing a game, or give them a task to solve together. Praise the children when they cooperate with each other, and place emphasis on the positive aspects of the cooperation rather than any small things that might have caused a little squabbling now and then.
• Don’t concern yourself with ensuring exact justice to the smallest degree. It can easily happen that things feel unfair between siblings – but try not to get drawn into agreeing that everything has to be totally fair to the point of absurdity. Instead, try to see the bigger picture. Help your children understand that certain aspects of life can sometimes be unfair – but without losing sight of the importance of justice and fairness in relation to larger meaningful issues. It may also sometimes be a good idea to make sure that you have duplicate sets of items for which there is a lot of competition, so as not to create unnecessary conflicts. However, a suitable amount of practice aimed at helping children understand that not everything is exactly the same or equal is usually the best approach.
• Make sure that siblings get to have a certain amount of private life if they share a room. An opportunity for siblings to have some time to themselves, away from each other’s company, can have a positive effect. If they each have their own room, it is important to ensure that they can close the door when they want to be on their own or with their friends. Siblings don’t have to constantly hang out together.
• Make time to be alone with each child individually. If children get sparked into a conflict as soon as they see their sibling, it is extremely nice for them to be able to spend some time alone with a parent and just relax. It is usually also a nice and rewarding experience for parents to be able to spend time with their children without any sibling squabbles for once.
• Do not challenge siblings too much by putting them in overly difficult situations. If, for example, you know that they always start squabbling when they sit next to each other on the sofa, you can avoid this by sitting in between them. Or if they always end up fighting when they play video games together, you can join in and play with them. If, as parents, we consider potential causes of quarrels before they actually arise, we can often prevent the worst situations from occurring and thus help our children learn how to cooperate better.
• Do not leave children who argue a lot by themselves. Instead, stay close at hand so that you can intervene at an early stage, before the conflict escalates into a fight or tantrum, and provide the children with guidance.

Dealing with sibling squabbles in the heat of the moment

No matter how hard you try or how many sound preventive measures you put in place, it is of course inevitable that siblings will still end up squabbling sometimes. If they get really angry with each other, they may lose control of themselves, and in such situations you, as a parent, want to be nearby so that you can help. No sibling should have to be subjected to repeated violence in their home, and as adults it is our responsibility to ensure that siblings who fight receive the help they need so that they do not harm each other.

Here are some tips on how to help the children in the heat of the moment:

• Don’t take sides – instead, highlight the perspectives of both children.
• Focus mainly on calming down the situation, try to ensure that you remain calm – emotions can otherwise easily rub off on us in a heated situation – and acknowledge the children’s feelings so that they understand that you are aware how difficult the current situation is for them.
• Separate the siblings for a while if strong emotions are running high, so that you give them a chance to regain their emotional balance.
• Help the children by suggesting a resolution to the problem, and ask them for their own thoughts on how best to deal with the situation.
• Stay close at hand after the situation has calmed down, so that you can quickly provide guidance if things start to heat up again.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.