Strong-willed children and tantrums

It is easy to have views on parenting before you have children of your own. But even the best parents in the world sometimes have to deal with children who, with full force, insist on getting their own way; children who, overly tired after a long day at preschool, lie kicking and screaming on the floor of the grocery store. There are no methods for how to get children to stop becoming angry or expressing their will – for the simple reason that there is no need. Having emotions is part of being a human being, and we must all be allowed to express how we are feeling – although for some people it may be necessary to practice handling their emotions. In this article we provide a brief explanation of why children may throw tantrums, along with tips on how you, as a parent, can handle strong emotions in your child.

Development of independence

When children are around one year old, they usually learn the excellent word “no”, after which it becomes exciting for them to use it now and then and see how those around them react when they say “no!”. It is an important part of children’s development to learn to recognise their own will and their own limits, and to learn how to communicate them to others. The word “no” is perfect for this purpose! Prepare yourself for the fact that there may be days ahead when your two-year-old claims that you’ve buttered the wrong side of the bread, regardless of which side you’ve actually buttered, or when he or she emphatically opines that it is reasonable to wear sandals today, even though it is snowing outside. Young children have a natural need to develop their independence, and they therefore often want to decide on various details that we adults may feel are completely unnecessary to argue about. But for the child, such details are definitely not unnecessary – on the contrary, they are in fact extremely important! And without this development of independence, our children would not be able to grow up and become individuals who can make their own decisions and take responsibility for things.

Choose your battles wisely!

As a parent, there may be times when it feels like all you do is argue with your child about various things that he or she wants to do but isn’t allowed to, or things that your child doesn’t want to do but must do anyway... The word “no” is uttered so often that you can constantly hear it ringing from the rooftops, and children aged two to three may sometimes come across as downright provocative in their never-ending struggle to get their own way. As parents, it is easy to think that we have done something wrong or that our child is actually intentionally looking to pick a fight with us. But in reality this is all down to the fact that children are very strongly governed by their desires and are full of the joys of life – which is why there is so much that they want and don’t want all the time. Naturally this can be exhausting for us as parents! But it’s wonderful for our children to have such an enormous appetite for life.

At times when things are extra intense and it feels like daily life consists almost exclusively of conflicts and arguments, it is usually a good idea to try to choose your battles wisely. Not everything needs to become an argument – for example, it doesn’t matter if children wear pants or a skirt to preschool, but it is important to ensure that they are securely fastened in their car seat, or that they don’t run out into the middle of the road. Even if your gut reaction is simply to say no to something, stop for a moment and ask yourself the following question: is this REALLY important? Take a breath, decide what is actually important, and give in on the other things so that they don’t become unnecessary arguments. It’s not fun to fight all the time – instead, try to focus on having as nice a time as possible together.

Let your child decide when possible

Young children usually feel good when they feel that they are allowed to participate and decide things. Naturally they can’t make the major decisions in family life – otherwise, one can only imagine how many younger siblings would be called Scooby-Doo – but it can feel nice for children to at least be involved in some way. For example, at bedtime, it is of course the parent who decides that it is time to brush one’s teeth, but perhaps the child can choose whether to use an electric or regular toothbrush? And at dinnertime, even though the adult decides that it is necessary to sit in the chair for a while and taste the food, perhaps the child can choose whether to have carrots or broccoli as a vegetable? A child who feels respected, acknowledged and well treated will often be more cooperative in the long run.

However, it may sometimes be far too difficult for the child to choose, in which case it is up to you, as a parent, to move in and take over. It is very common for young children to be unable to make choices in certain situations – in particular when they are faced with too many choices, in which case our little ones need the comfort of an adult to help them move on by allowing them to cry until they feel better or diverting their thoughts towards something else.

As parents, do we have to be consistent?

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to parenting – you should act and do things in the way that best suits you and your child. When you are expecting a child, you may be full of good intentions as to how you want things to be, but when the child actually arrives, you may discover that parenthood involves completely different demands, in which case you may need to revise your ideas on how things should be. When it comes to the question of being consistent or not, there are pros and cons associated with both approaches. The aspects of daily life that you stick to consistently will cause less protest from your child in the long run, as these will become an established habit that your child eventually won’t even think about in terms of whether or not they should be done. Habits become established patterns of behaviour, and when, as a parent, you never make any exceptions, the habit becomes established even quicker.

The advantage of not always being consistent is that your child learns flexibility and that other people may be prepared to compromise if you really want something, have a good argument or simply have a particularly great need. The child gets to experience that those who love him or her can be responsive and flexible, which is also a good thing to learn in life and something that can benefit the child in future close relationships.

Advice on how to handle tantrums

Children who throw tantrums do not do so to annoy you, but rather because they are still learning how to handle all the emotions that arise when reality collides with their appetite for life. It is at such times that you have an important role to play as an adult, and below you will find some advice and tips on how to handle your child’s tantrums:

• Listen to your child, even though he or she is angry. Show that you understand and respect what the child wants – even if you have to say no to the child on this occasion. Your child will feel acknowledged if you say things like: “I understand that you are angry because you can’t watch your TV program, but unfortunately it is too late now”.
• Help the child find the words to express his or her feelings: “It’s such a drag to have to turn off the iPad now! You were having so much fun and wanted to keep playing, what a shame that you can’t!”.
• Don’t be afraid of causing your child to feel anger and disappointment! Such emotions are not bad. In fact, they are necessary for a child’s growth and development. Strong emotions are not dangerous – they need to be allowed to exist just as much as all other emotions.
• Try to remain calm as best you can. Emotions rub off on others! It is easier to calm a child if you are calm yourself. There is also less risk of being nasty and unfair to the child if you prevent yourself from getting emotional about the situation. Take a short break to calm down if you find yourself becoming as angry as the child!
• Physical contact can sometimes calm a very angry and sad child. Take the child in your arms, and let him or her cry until feeling better.
• Bring out your inner diplomat and suggest alternative ways for the child to deal with his or her frustration: “No, you’re not allowed to take your sister’s teddy bear from her, but you may ask her if you can borrow it”.
• As a rule, children’s tantrums are more difficult to handle when there are other people around. On such occasions it may be best to pick up the child and go to another room. Not to argue with the child, but rather to find somewhere you can talk and sort out the situation in peace and quiet, without the child sensing judgemental looks from other people.
• Don’t punish the child or threaten the child with a punishment. This will only cause the child anxiety and stress and could harm your relationship. Naturally, as parents, we may end up threatening some sort of action from time to time in an attempt to cope with a difficult situation, and if this happens it is not a big deal. The important thing is to make sure that threats and punishments do not become a large part of the child’s everyday life, and that you, as a parent, are able to mostly use other ways of responding when your child does something wrong.
• Show your understanding for other adults who have overly tired or hysterical children, so that no one has to feel like a bad parent.
• Don’t be too hard on yourself! It is completely natural to use tricks like diversion, bribery and coaxing, and these can be good ways for parents to help children in difficult situations. There is no reason to always strive for “perfection” – a parent who never makes mistakes could become an impossible role model for a child to emulate.

How do we deal with a tantrum without experiencing an outburst of our own?

Young children aren’t the only ones who have difficulty controlling their emotions at times, the same also applies to us parents... Most parents would probably agree that periods during which a child experiences many emotional outbursts are among the most difficult times in parental life. If you are a passionate or excitable person, it may be difficult for you to avoid being affected by such an emotional situation and experiencing an outburst of your own due to the strain and stress you are feeling. It could be invaluable to try to devise a couple of strategies for how to keep your own mood in check so that you can instead focus on helping your child in a constructive manner. Here are some suggestions that you may find helpful:

• Try not to neglect your own basic needs – as parents we need to eat and sleep well in order to have the energy required to take care of a strong-willed two-year-old.
• A quick nap at work, or a smoothie before picking up the children from preschool, could do a lot for your mood.
• When things don’t go to plan in life as the parent of a toddler, you need to practice letting go of your plans and instead just accepting the situation for what it is. Stress leads to a bad mood – instead, try just sitting on the floor with your child and letting go of your expectations for a little while.
• When you find yourself getting wound up and becoming increasingly angry – take a break! It won’t make things better if you start yelling at your child – on the contrary, doing so will usually just make things worse. Instead, try to back away for a moment and do something you find relaxing. Children are perfectly capable of managing by themselves for a few minutes, and as a parent it is more important that you regain your emotional balance.
• If you feel that you have been too angry or unfair – apologise to your child! And make sure that the child feels safe, secure and loved by you again when the argument is over. It is good for children to learn that everyone can get angry and – above all else – that it is possible to forgive and forget.
• Don’t forget to forgive yourself! All parents lose their cool sometimes, and it’s totally okay.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.