Twins and how to support the development of both

When it comes to siblings, parents usually want their children to play together more, learn to get along and develop a more loving relationship with each other. And for the most part, the same line of thought can also be applied to twins. It is usually good to simply allow twins to behave and develop in exactly the same way as other siblings. Having a twin brother or sister can be a great source of joy and support, and of course twins always have a friend nearby. But it may be worth knowing that the notion that twins automatically share a closer bond than other siblings is not necessarily true.

Splitting up twins in daily life

In the past, there was a train of thought that twins should be separated and should be put into different classes at school, or that other means should be used to create more distance between them – but there have not been any clear findings in research to suggest that this approach would be better for the children. That said, in general it is usually best to view all children as individuals – even if they did spend nine months together in their mother’s womb – which is something that can, of course, be done even when they are together.

Twins are both siblings and individuals, and it is therefore inevitable that they will squabble from time to time or go through the odd rough patch. When this happens, it can be nice to create a little breathing space in their relationship, something that actually applies just as much to other relationships as well – between “normal” siblings, friends or other children and parents.

Alone time with parents

In families with twins, it can easily happen that the twins end up having less alone time with their parents than children in other families. It may therefore be a good idea to pay a little extra attention to trying to give twins a bit more time of their own with one or both parents sometimes. This doesn’t have to involve anything major – it can be nice just to go for a walk, play a game or perhaps do some baking together with a parent, without having your twin brother or sister there. Not only will this make the child feel that he or she has your full focus for a while, it is also an opportunity for you, as a parent, to spend time with and listen to each of your children individually.

Individuals in their own right

As already mentioned, it is important, no matter how alike they may look, to view twins as individuals in their own right – because they are! All children need to be recognised and acknowledged for who they are, including their differences, similarities, thoughts and needs. And all children also need to be treated with empathy and understanding.

Avoid comparing twins

Even though it may sometimes be difficult, it is important to make a conscious effort to avoid comparing twins. Noting that one child learned to walk before the other is, of course, easily done when the two of them were born at the same time – but as they get older, constantly being compared to someone else can be difficult for a child. Hearing that you are “the shy one” just because you’re not as outgoing as your twin sister, or that you are “the tall one” because you happen to be a little taller, can become somewhat tiresome in the long run; especially when it comes to things about which society or other people have views or opinions.

Tips on how to make twins feel acknowledged

There are various things you can do to help twins feel acknowledged as individuals rather than just one half of a matching pair. For example, you can:

• Refer to each child by his or her own name.
• Ask teachers, neighbours, friends and relatives to use their names.
• Help others to see the differences in the children by ensuring that they have different clothes and hairstyles.
• Encourage and emphasise the differences between the twins without making unnecessary comparisons.
• Help the children find their own friends, interests and ideas.
• Let the children spend time apart now and then from an early age.

All families and individuals are, of course, different, and something that works well for one pair of twins might not be suitable for another. The important thing is to find a way to ensure that your children are happy and feel respected and acknowledged as individuals.

Twins’ siblings

It is not unusual for twins to develop a very close bond, and if there are more children in the family, it could be a good idea to give extra thought to how you can ensure that all your children develop a close relationship with each other. If your twins have older siblings, one good tip is to try to involve the siblings from the very beginning. If they want to, let them help take care of and spend time with the twins. Perhaps a little extra help is needed when it’s time to breastfeed the twins – someone to fetch a glass of water, or someone to keep one of the twins entertained while the other one has their nappy changed. Allowing older siblings to get involved from the very beginning, so that they become important to the twins, is a good way of strengthening their self-esteem and sibling relationships.

It can also be nice for a tired parent to have the opportunity to get several siblings to calm down together, for example before bedtime. When the twins are a few months old, they can join in and listen to a bedtime story together with their older sibling, thus creating a nice family moment – and if you’re really in luck, all three children might have fallen asleep by the time the story is over!

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.