Your child's self-esteem

The term self-esteem refers to people’s feelings and thoughts about themselves. Adults and children with low self-esteem have a tendency to devalue themselves and to perceive information and actions from those around them as critical and negative. Low self-esteem is closely related to various forms of mental illness and often contributes to suffering later in life. It is extremely difficult and injurious for someone to have to endure the feeling that they are not worth anything or are inferior to others. As a parent, we want the best for our child on all levels, and one of the most important goals for many parents is therefore to provide their child with high self-esteem as a secure foundation for life. But how can we actually do this?

The fundamentals of self-esteem

Children who largely feel loved, acknowledged and accepted by those around them have excellent possibilities to develop high self-esteem. Naturally, the child’s personality, circumstances and friends also matter in this context. It may be reassuring to know that a child’s self-esteem does not depend on the small details but rather has much more to do with the major aspects of life: the general status of the child’s existence and interaction with parents, teachers, other children and adults in the child’s close circle. A particular choice of words or individual events are of no significance when it comes to the development of a child’s self-esteem – our little ones cannot be shaped and moulded so easily. Instead, it is the degree of security in life and the quality of the child’s close relationships that are of importance, along with the child’s own innate tendencies and major, significant happenings in life.

The difference between self-esteem and self-confidence

It is worth knowing that self-esteem and self-confidence are not really the same thing, even though the two are greatly influenced by and are intertwined with each other. Self-esteem can be described as the basic attitude we, as individuals, have towards ourselves – how proud or satisfied children feel about themselves as a person. Self-confidence, on the other hand, has to do with children’s belief in their own ability – what they believe that they can achieve and accomplish. This means that a child can have a high level of self-confidence in one particular field but a low level of self-confidence in another.

Self-esteem and self-confidence are two important factors in terms of how we thrive and function in life – both as children and adults. As parents, we might sometimes almost be afraid to praise a child, based on the idea that this will only strengthen the child’s self-confidence, not his or her self-esteem. But this is not something that we need to worry about, as it is not correct. It is both nice and encouraging for children to feel that they can do things and are good at things, and such a feeling also has a positive effect on their self-esteem. However, one thing worth extra consideration is to ensure that children also receive acknowledgement of how they are as a person and not just praise for what they achieve. If a great deal of focus is placed on performance and achievements, it may become a little difficult for children to relax and just be themselves. It is positive for children’s self-esteem if they are allowed to feel that they don’t always need to be good at things in order to be loved and respected – they just need to be themselves.

How to strengthen a child’s self-esteem

Strengthening your child’s self-esteem is something you do every day through your actions and words. Here are five reliable pieces of advice for the road ahead.

• Be physically and emotionally available to your child. Provide your child with intimacy, hugs, eye contact, small talk, laughter and fun. Wonderful, close moments with their parents provide children with a positive feeling about themselves – a sense of being valuable and special. This sort of parental contact is much more important for a child’s self-esteem than anything else.
• Have reasonable expectations of what your child can and should achieve, and adjust the level of demands according to your child’s development and ability. No one feels good about failing all the time, which is why it is better to place demands on your child that you know he or she has a reasonable chance of meeting. And if things still don’t go as well as hoped, don’t make a big deal out of it – we should always show our children that we love them just the way they are.
• Allow all different kinds of emotions. If a child suddenly throws a tantrum for no apparent reason, it is important to acknowledge the child and show that you understand that the child is angry or upset. Try to comfort the child and show empathy – you don’t need to understand the reason for the child’s behaviour in order to respect his or her feelings. Providing a child with acknowledgement, so that the child sees that others care about his or her emotions, even the difficult ones, is good for the development of the child’s self-esteem.
• When your child does something wrong – criticise the behaviour, not the child! Don’t say disparaging things like “you were stupid just now” – instead, try to describe what it was about the child’s behaviour that you didn’t like, such as “I don’t want you to fight”. The tone of voice we use when talking with our children, and how we choose to express ourselves in general, is important in terms of how our children will come to view themselves.
• Avoid being overly critical of others and yourself. If you allow your child to hear that you often speak badly of others, you are indicating to your child that it is necessary to constantly be on your guard and consider what others think of you, which could create unnecessary anxiety.

Please note that all information above is based on Swedish recommendations.